Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced the new policy today, officially banning all men with names like Jamie, Shannon, and Terry from participating in combat roles effective immediately.
Putin Is Trapped by Trump's Misunderstandings. The Catastrophic Risks of AI — and a Safer Path | Yoshua Bengio. Lonely Avenue | Jon Batiste. White House Evacuated After Trans Alarm Goes Off.
Officials confirmed the White House’s Transgender Alert System was triggered this morning after infrared estrogen sensors in the West Wing detected a large spike in gender fluidity dangerously close to the Oval Office.
The Onion has filed a brief in defense of parody in the Supreme Court. "Americans can be put in jail for poking fun at the government? This was a surprise to America's Finest News Source and an uncomfortable learning experience for its editorial team," the brief opens.
In 2008, experts warned that Miley Cyrus had just five years before she became a withered, dessicated husk. Unless she is conserved, humanity may be reduced to barbarism.
Spread the word