Schedule of Events, July 4 (Annotated)
6:30 p.m. – President Trump walks down red carpet to address the crowd assembled before Lincoln Memorial. Choral accompaniment: “Battle Hymn of the Republic.” (Note: Opening line, “Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord,” should be sung and then substituted for lines two and three as well; the lines have roughly the same number of syllables.)
6:35 – President welcomes crowd and promises attendees and those watching at home “a very good time—very good,” urges them to stay tuned for upcoming retail bargain. He voices special welcome to those in the designated VIP section, quotes line from the Declaration of Independence, “We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal,” and shakes head ruefully to laughter, applause from VIPs.
6:38 – President quotes line from Martin Luther King Jr.’s Lincoln Memorial speech—that people should be judged “not by the color of their skin,” with rest of line altered to conclude, “but by the color of their money.” More laughter. (Note: Do we need electronic sign flashing words “Laughter” and “Applause” visible only to VIP Section?) (Note: If we’ve screened them right, they’ll get it! – DJT.)
6:40 – Tanks begin crossing the Potomac on the Memorial Bridge, just behind the Lincoln Memorial. (Note: Army Corps of Engineers estimates 55 percent chance of bridge buckling. If bridge buckles under their weight, switch to Plan B, tanks moving from Dupont Circle.)
6:45 – President introduces surprise guest, Kim Jong-un as “no-nonsense leader.” Kim hails Trump, quotes line from the Declaration that governments derive “their just powers from the consent of the governed,” to additional laughter.
6:46 – Kim annexes South Korea; President hails “end of 70-year conflict.” President and Kim hug, muss each other’s hair.
6:47 – President annexes West Bank. (Note: Can I do this? Shouldn’t Bibi be the one? - DJT.) (Note: Pompeo says you can; eliminates the middle man; fulfills some Biblical prophecy – JK.)
6:50 – President introduces aide Stephen Miller to read Emma Lazarus Statue-of-Liberty poem, emphasizing line “Wretched refuse of your teeming shore.” Disparaging noises from VIP section. (Note – Stevie and I will lead boos, so no need for sign – DJT.)
6:52 – President introduces Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orban as “real tough leader.” Orban calls Miller “my kind of Jew,” followed by fireworks pictorial display of George Soros, other Jewish liberals blowing up. President and Orban exchange high-fives.
6:55 – Tanks confused by Dupont Circle traffic patterns, smash into surrounding buildings. (Note: Department of Transportation Estimate: 85 percent probability of tanks getting confused on Dupont Circle.) (Note: President has made clear tanks should not touch Dupont Circle Starbucks as “Howard Schultz can help my campaign.”)
6:58 – President announces increase in room rates at Trump International Hotel Washington DC.
7:00 – Trump introduces Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross, who announces new census question on political party membership (Options: Republican; Treasonous Democrat; Howard Schultz; Other.)
7:02 – Vintage Sherman tanks leave the Smithsonian Institute for Lincoln Memorial.
7:04 – President introduces Russian President Vladimir Putin as “real tough on sexual deviants and liberals.” Putin stomps on Monroe Doctrine (brought to Lincoln Memorial from Smithsonian by tank; see above), which kept European powers from involvement in hemispheric affairs. (Note: What’s “hemispheric?” – DJT.) (Checking – JK.) President and Putin exchange fist bumps.
7:08 – President announces price reductions on Trump steaks as a way to increase sales and farmers’ incomes—the retail bargain promised above. (Note: Brief fireworks display should accompany this.) (Note: This actually helps ranchers, not farmers, but no one should notice the difference.)
7:10 – President introduces Prince Mohammed bin Salman of Saudi Arabia as a “no-nonsense modernizer.” Prince reads First Amendment section affirming freedom of speech. Prince trains tank muzzle on press gallery to VIP applause, laughter. (No need to encourage reactions to this! – DJT.) President and Prince bow to each other.
7:12 – President announces induction of motorcycle club “Trump’s Angels” into U.S. Special Forces; adds that Angels are manning the assembled tanks. Fires Joint Chiefs of Staff; announces appointment of Angels leader “Tiny” McGoon as new JCS Chairman.
7:15 – President introduces Chinese President Xi Jinping, acknowledging national differences on trade but praising Xi’s anti-terrorist campaign against his nation’s Muslim population. Xi reads First Amendment section affirming freedom of religion; President and Xi burn First Amendment (brought to the Lincoln Memorial by tank from Smithsonian). [Note: Constitution is at National Archive, not Smithsonian – must relocate!] [Note: If entire Constitution catches fire during this segment, does that negate Constitution? ((Check with Attorney General Barr.)) If so, President switches to substitute speech, “We Start Anew,” hailing new Constitution’s omission of legislative and judicial branches. (Justice C. Thomas tells us this poses no legal problem.)] [On further consideration, President should simply assert burning of Constitution operationalizes new one, immediately after which Angels train tank muzzles on crowd.] [Note: Tank muzzles must be elevated so as not to threaten VIP section.]
7:20 – President climbs ladder into tank turret [Note: “I love this!” - DJT]; trains muzzle at House of Representatives; tank inadvertently fires. [Note: Back-up Plan: President trains muzzle at Vice-President Pence; tank inadvertently fires; President announces new Vice-President is Ivanka.]
7:25 – President proclaims “Glorious Fourth!”
Harold Meyerson is editor at large of The American Prospect. His email is email@example.com.